Wednesday, January 22, 2014

To be or not to be...

I have grown so much in the last three years. I have found what I allowed to be lost.  5 years ago I was on top of the world.  High paying job, my own house...doing it all.  In the blink of an eye, it all vanished. I now believe it was God knocking me down a few pegs.

I am back to being someone I am proud of.  But, along with that still lies thoughts of insecurity, feeling just not good enough. I am not main stream.  I am not the average cookie cutter girl. It leaves me questioning what about me is not good enough. 

Is it really me that isn't good enough? Is it them that doesn't see what is standing before them. I am a different class of female...old fashioned I like to think.  Maybe that is the gap between finding someone to share my life with.  Someone who accepts me and likes me for me. I am not a size 6, my hair is not perfectly done at all times, make up...rarely, I am not trendy or fake. Seems to be what is wanted these days.  Sad and disturbing.

For now, I will continue being me.  Take it or leave it. It is not my loss....only theirs.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

I Am....Me

I am average
I am bold
I am unique
or so I've been told

I am a woman with scars
I have a past that is unkind
I have repaired and have healed
All to feel like life is always on rewind

I am human
I have a heart
I am loyal
Though my past makes it hard

I've learned to trust easily
I've learned that there is good
I've learned to be fair
Something that in time I understood

I am a mom and a dad
I am a maid and a cook
I am a boo boo kisser
And play all the characters while reading a story book

I am my biggest critic
I doubt what people see
I am blind to what is said
When people look at me

I see perfectly imperfect
I have grown to accept me
I am not a chameleon
Take me, leave me or let me be

I am  me.....

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

"A smile is a language that even a baby understands."

 This morning we woke up and I wished Lil D a happy 9 month birthday...and this is the smile I got.  He is so amazingly happy all of the time!  And it is true when they say a smile is contagious.  No matter how down I feel, or how woh is me I am feeling...a glimpse of him beaming makes it all seem miniscule. 

Zayne Joseph

My oldest started his very first day of high school today.  I can not believe it.   From a baby to my 14 year old young man....He is my greatest accomplishment.  He is so outgoing, intelligent, thoughtful and caring.  He always puts people first and would give the shirt off of his back if it was needed.  I am excited to see where this new path leads him.  His current plan: graduate H.S. and go to Penn State-graduate with a degree in Architectural Engineering...he has also mentioned the Marine Corp.  Maybe the marines before college.  Idk, either way he has a great path laid out for to keep him focused. 

My little family is amazing.  I am so blessed and have so much to be thankful for. 

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I am

I am the reason I am on this road today.  I am the reason that my life is in array.  I am the reason that I sit up late at night a cry.  I am the reason why I wonder how we will get by.  I am the reason that my children move around so much.  I am the reason why I feel I always need a crutch.  I am the reason why today I feel the way I do.  I am the reason why I think I have some things to prove. 
I need to stop feeling the need to depend on others to get through life.  I have never...and I mean never been where I am at right now.  This very moment.  I am taking it in, remember how crappy this feels and moving forward as positively as I can.  I have finally been able to put together a porfolio of ideas for what I am going to do.  And I have to say I am very excited!  Craft show season is coming up and I am hoping that between those, Etsy and putting my name out there that orders start flowing. 
This pretty much sums up what I am thinking at this very moment. 
One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

When I get where I am going.....

I feel like I have been traveling this road alone for a long time.  Wondering when I will get to where I am supposed to be.  I often find myself wondering where I went wrong.  What was that pivitol moment in my life where the decision to make this wrong turn that has gotten me lost was such a great idea. 

Feeling lost is the worst.  I have felt so lost for so long that I am not sure if I can find myself again.  Have you ever sat there and just felt so empty inside, even though you have so much and are so blessed?  I have never felt like this.  I can not believe I allowed my life to end up this way. 

I have a plan, goals, and have the motivation.  Now just to find the confidence and optomism that I once had.  The thing is I let someone take that from me a long time ago.  And it's time for me to take a stand and take it back.  Take my life back and be the woman I know I am.  The strong, kick ass woman that my children need me to be. 

I will get there.  I have a path that I am on and no one will steer me wrong on this journey. 

Sunday, August 28, 2011

He said Mama!!!

My little man reached his arms up to me yesterday and said MAMA!!!! And he has been saying mama ever since.  Little man melts my heart.  He is getting to be so big so fast!!!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

He said yea!

My little man spoke his very first word today.  Melt my heart...he was clapping his hands and said yea! 

No matter how crappy things are sometimes.  No matter how stressed I am.  I look at my children and realize how blessed and lucky I truly am.  My children are amazing.  My oldest is starting high school next week.  EEK!!!  HIGH SCHOOL!!!  He is such an amazing young man.  He is so smart, creative, mechanically inclined...that kid can fix anything.

I remember when he was was the first time I watched him take one of his toys apart....inspect it to see how it worked...put it all back together and it still worked.   He hasn't stopped.  He can build anything.  His life goals are to go to Penn State and then after graduation join the marines.  After that, become a police officer.  He has it all figured out.

My little Dominic is such a happy little guy.  I can not wait to see the way he turns out.  With a big brother like he has....he will be just as amazing as his big brother. 

<3 Family